


Craving for your boxers

by Veelitann



Series: Kinky Pants [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, M/M, POV, WTF, boxers still win, imsorrybutnotsorry, pantiiiies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-03-14 15:57:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3416705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veelitann/pseuds/Veelitann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I should have known better than anyone that sending a picture of myself half naked to my roommate wouldn't be a good idea. Oh, god.</p><p>[Marco's POV for Kinky Pants serie]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "What a good idea, Marco, really."

**Author's Note:**

> Heya all!  
> So well, I've finally made it up to the first POV of Marco for Kinky Pants! You might have noticed, Kinky Pants has become a serie, and both part have their own title now. 
> 
> It was quite hard to write this first chapter, due to the content... :'D but I still hope that you'll like it !
> 
> Here for [Jean's POV](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3226154/chapters/7024112) which started the whole thing !

“Wa-wait a little, I’m gonna, uh…Prepare myself…A little…”

Tonight was the night, the first night with my new girlfriend. I’d waited for the whole week to go, and still the last day itself had been so slow! Not only the day, but the time to go to her apartment had been so long that it looked a bit too fast when she promptly grabbed me by the collar to kiss me at the second we were in her apartment. 

I have to admit that I felt so excited for tonight that I think I was a bit too much talkative about spending the week end with her, because when I’ve left the apartment, my roommate kind of didn’t care and maybe he was even pouting on the couch, watching some stupid movie he usually doesn’t like. 

And so, well, here we were, at hers’, and I had to isolate myself for a few minutes in the bathroom, excited like hell and I had some of an apprehension for the rest of the evening. 

Krista and I had been together for something like what…Two weeks? I’m still surprised that I managed not to do anything reprehensible and at the same time it was still a short time for a relationship before doing something like this (it might depends on people, but I’m not really the type of guy who try to climb on my girlfriend on the first days). Krista wasexactly my type, with her cute and beautiful face, her blond mid-long hair, her tiny body, her so small and thin hands, her-her-her…Well, I think I couldn’t get enough talking about Krista and I guess that things are going rather well between us. 

Calm down, Marco. 

For now, I had to make my heartbeat stop a little. After a quick restaurant, we’ve been to her apartment, and even in two weeks I had never came in here before. It was quite a cozy place and I could feel Krista everywhere in the style. Pastel everywhere. 

Cute. 

Sighing a little, I was taking my clothes off when I noticed the huge mirror in the bathroom and felt myself grin when I saw my own body reflection. I was quite lucky that even if I didn’t know that the evening would end like that, on the way to bed Krista so soon, I had decided this morning to wear these underwear. 

And actually, I was much more remembering something about Jean, my roommate. I knew (if I wasn’t wrong) that the guy had a thing for nice underwear, probably more specifically those with lace and all that stuff you can find on sexy ladies. I’m pretty sure he would fucking love (ah ah!) my plain black boxers. Pretty feminine! 

And after such a great thought, I took my cellphone, swept the screen and pressed the message button to send Jean the picture of myself in the mirror. It might look a little bold, but I just felt like teasing him a bit. 

**[11:00PM] To Jean :  
Ready 4 my new gf, man! **

Done! 

And I admit that after something stupid and useless like that, I felt a little better and more at ease. Smiling to myself, I took my phone with me as I was going to join Krista in her room. First time with her, I said, ok? 

She’d already turned the light off, just using the small lamp from the nightstand to enlighten the room. The bed looked a little small for both us but I didn’t say a word about it and joined her, putting my phone on the nightstand beside the bed. And it rang. I’m pretty sure that it was Jean’s answer, but it wasn’t the time to care about it. Right? 

“You look like you’re craving for reading it!”

Krista was smiling at me, almost laughing cheerfully and I wondered what my face looked like at that moment. I didn’t really feel the say she said, because I really thought that it could wait. But under her deep gaze, I took my phone, my thumb swept the screen down to unlock it and I pushed the ‘new message’ notification with a small sigh. 

**[11:15PM] From Jean :  
Y should I care bout ya pants man? **

Her head almost on my shoulder, she had a genuine laughter reading the message. “What did you tell him?” she asked. 

For a second, I felt my face heating quite a lot at the memory. Oh god, how could I explain what I’ve done just before? Thinking about it, it might not look something normal. I mean, I’ve just sent a selfie while being just in boxers to my friend who was a man. Definitely NOT something casual. 

But it was Jean, so I couldn’t feel like it was something weird. 

“Uh, I…I sent him something…” I mumbled. 

I was blushing so hard, oh god. She blinked a little, propably trying to figure what I’d sent. 

“What? Did you ask him for some advice ?” 

“Eh? Not at all!”

“Sooo?”

Big blue eyes were staring at me and I swear it was incredibly hard. I sucked in my breath, turning a little my own gaze. “S-so, I’ve sent him a picture…”

“Of what? Your—“

“No way, eh!” 

She was laughing again. Maybe it was a way to distract me a little, I think she’d seen how tensed I was. 

“So what was it?” she insisted, even trying to take the phone in her small hands. 

“N-no, stop that!”

But Krista was a little too quick for me and she had already scrolled up Jean’s message in my mail box and the picture had quickly appeared on the screen. But she just laughed, again, and it was quite nice to hear it. It wasn’t a mocking laughter at all, and I felt relaxing on the bed. 

“What’s that?” she simply asked. 

“I…Uh, well, It’s just to tease him a little, Jean’s my roommate aaaaand…”

“Yeah yeah I see!” 

She squirmed a little against me before pointing the screen with her forefinger. “Ask him if he’s jealous, then!”  
Pursing a little my lips, I obeyed. It was weird. Even more than sending that photo to Jean. I perfectly knew that Jean wasn’t jealous about it, and he even might not care a lot about the fact that I had a girlfriend. Actually, he never cared about none of my girlfriends until now, so there wasn’t any reason for it to change now. 

**[11:22PM] To Jean :  
Ya jealous**

She was giggling softly at it. “Hope he’ll answer!” she said. 

“Hum, yeah…”

I wasn’t really sure about that but well, I quickly forgot about that subject when I felt a small hand sliding down my chest, soft and hot lips caressing the skin of my shoulder and making me shiver a little. My hand fumbled a little on the nightstand, putting the phone on it and pushing the light off. It didn’t took me so long before I dared touch her back, my fingers slipping under her nightshirt (a rather cute one, a light blue long tee-shirt with lace on the hem of the short sleeves and all around the deep cleavage). 

And for a moment, I could only hear the sound of our breaths, of the clothes torn off and thrown away. Laughter often cut off the silence on the bedroom, along with soft and sexy moans, and I couldn’t help but smile between two kisses, letting my hands ran up on her thighs and slid under the thin elastic of her panties. 

The vibrating of my phone suddenly filled in the air, making us start together and she left my lips. I could hear her chuckle a little, her hands both in my hair and my back. 

“He finally answered?” 

She was panting a little, her breath tickling my chin. 

“M-maybe…” I said. 

Another kiss. “Not curious?” she murmured. 

I was, but Krista’s body was much more interesting than Jean’s opinion. However she pushed me a little, taking my hands off of her body. “Take a look, I want to know!”

Oh god, why were women so curious and hurried? 

I sighed a little, rolling from my side to my back and extended an arm until I found my phone. When I pushed the small button to enlighten the screen, I had to blink painfully to the amount of light it suddenly provided. Then, it was the same as usual, until I opened the message. Jean’s message, of course. 

I almost chocked, and didn’t immediately feel Krista pressing against me to look at the screen. 

**[11:38PM] From Jean :  
mine is better**

It was a picture under those words. I know I’ve started the thing, but his photo was quite different than mine. It wasn’t really a selfie, or if it was, it was rather his crotch’s. I could see his low waist, Jean’s fingers slipping under the waist of his boxers, and somehow it looked like he was, uh…

Well…

 _Oh god._

M-m-m-masturbating? 

That might have been the first thing I saw, that shape in his boxers. _HIS FINGERS IN HIS BOXERS WITH THAT FUCKING ERECTION HOLY SHIT !_

I really don’t know how long I’ve been staring at that small screen for, blinking a few times. I didn’t know what to think about that picture, some weird joke after all. Near me, I heard a small chuckle and couldn’t’ help but smile a little at that soft voice coming from my girlfriend as she was also glancing at the screen. But still, I was under shock and couldn’t stop thinking about what Jean was doing right now in our apartment. Not that I really care about it, that’s his life. But it was…I don’t know. 

“Wow, seriously?” she laughed. “That’s so cute and pink! I love his boxers!”

Sending a picture of yourself half naked to Jean. Wow. What a good idea, Marco, really. 

I should have known him enough to be sure that I would have something even worse in return, Jean is quite the type of person who take revenge when it’s still on the spot. Jean never lose time turning around for nothing. Revenge isn’t a cold dish with that guy. 

I sighed, and a second after I felt a tiny arm sliding around my chest. Krista wasn’t looking at the screen anymore and finally looked much more interested by my own person, and I barely took the time to press some letters on my digital screen to answer quickly. 

**[11:41PM] To Jean :  
Holy shit **

For the rest of the night, I tried so hard not to think about the hand and the bulge in those fucking fuchsia and blue butterflies printed boxers that I kind of fucked up with my performance. 

_FUCK YOU JEAN !_


	2. "BUT WHY WAS I EVEN LOOKING AT HIS DICK !?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco is back from Krista's with weird ideas in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, chapter 2 is here already ! Enjoy~!
> 
> GO and read Jean's POV matching Marco's [Here!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3226154/chapters/7067999) ;)

“Oh stop pouting, Marco, please…”

“I’m not.” 

“Smile, then?”

“You don’t understand!” 

She sighed. A few minutes ago, Krista and I were having sex, under the warm blanket of her bed. But for some reason, nothing went out well, especially for me. I don’t know why, but despite all my desire for her, despite how much I wanted to do it with her, I couldn’t do it properly. That was the first time it was happening, in my whole life (if I remembered well), and I truly couldn’t accept it. My sex had barely been half hard when we did it, and then too fast to come when it was finally going well, and I hadn’t even been giving her as much pleasure as I wanted to. Lame. Oh god, it was the worst sex time ever, I swear. 

And Krista was there now, beside me, trying to comfort me when I was quite troubled by my terrible lack of performance. She sat, before leaning a little against me. 

“Well, I don’t really care about that, you know?” she added softly. 

“Krista…” 

At least she wasn’t mad at me. She could have been, by the way she showed her enthusiasm to do it. I sighed heavily while lying back on the mattress, crossing my arms under my head. 

“That’s the first time it happens,” I almost growled. 

“Yeah sure, but you know that’s not a problem as I said…” 

Of course, for a girl it couldn’t be a problem (at least for a girl like her I guess). But for a man, it was a huge problem and it was even worse when I couldn’t get the reason why I—  
I suddenly opened my eyes wide. Something was back in the corner of my mind as I’d just glanced at my cellphone on the nightstand. How could I have even forgotten about that _small_ detail, really? 

The memory of Jean’s crotch and his hand probably caressing his cock when he took the picture was still printed on my retina and I couldn’t get rid of it so easily. Jean was my roommate, and most of all he was my best friend and we had been together since boarding high school. Since the day we met, I’d never seen any sign of him _really_ interested in someone or just talking about having a night with someone. So, having such an image of him at that very moment must have been a little…disturbing for me. 

“It’s ok, Marco?”

Krista’s voice was always so soft and nice, like a nursery rhyme, and I sighed again before turning on my side. “It’s ok,” I mumbled. 

It wasn’t. I was frustrated. 

“Liar,” she gently laughed. 

With a small hand of hers, she patted on my arm, chuckling at my pouting face. 

“Sorry,” I said, maybe for the tenth time in the evening. 

“Oh god, stop that!”

“That’s Jean’s fault, you’ll have to kick his ass when you both meet,” I groaned. 

I stretched an arm to take my phone and opened the message box again. No new SMS, everything was so quiet now, and somehow it felt a little weird. Jean was usually more talkative and always answered when I messaged him. Not tonight. Maybe he was already sleeping? Jerking off alone wasn’t that exhausting but still…Oh wait, maybe he wasn’t alone? 

His last message was that picture and his few words, and I couldn’t really get what he was talking about by ‘mine’. His hand better than my girlfriend? Loner. His boxers looking better than mine? I doubted, they were fucking PINK and full of butterflies (wait, what was that actually?). 

Or maybe his girlfriend being better than mine? But where could he even meet a girl? That guy almost never left the apartment when it wasn’t for work! 

“Jean? Oh, well, I think you think a bit too much about it,” Krista suddenly said with a new glance at my screen before pointing Jean’s boxers with a thin finger. 

“What?”

“It disturbed you, but it’s just a guy, Marco…” 

Not a guy, it was _Jean_. I mean, Jean was somehow pretty important to me. Best friend, as I said, you see? That person that could do something that deeply pisses you off, you couldn’t not forgive him. Something like now. He just totally fucked up my night with Krista (or at least the beginning), but still I felt like I was looking for a reason not to yell at him on the morning, back at home. 

“I—I know, but…” 

She giggled a little, taking my phone from my hands before I could stop her. “Weeeell, you talked a little about him, but how could this possibly disturb you that much in such a big moment?”

That question crossed my mind in less that a fraction of second. She was right, it shouldn’t have troubled me that much, actually. So, why? Was it because I had never thought of receiving that type of things? In some a way, I was the one to blame as I started with a picture of myself. 

It wasn’t Jean’s fault, after all. 

“You’re right…,” I finally mumbled. 

But I was still distracted by that picture whenever the screen slightly turned to me. Shit. She noticed it, smiling devilishly, pushed the locking button and…Slid it in her cleavage, and it stayed there, held between her boobs. 

“Krista…” I sighed. 

“Oh, oops?” She chuckled. “Well, I guess that if you want to get his sweet pinky boxers back, you’ll have to take your phone by yourself!” 

“Wha-what are you saying, silly?!“

The second after, I was on her, pinning her small and (oh, so thin) body on the mattress. I couldn’t get enough kissing and hugging her. Cuddling before, during and after making love was something I always loved. Cuddling was actually my thing and Krista didn’t really mind when I started curling around her, nuzzling in her neck, sighing and moaning a little. 

The night finally went quite well after that. Krista managed to make me think that it wasn’t any big deal, as for my bloody performance as for my (very) weird behavior toward this picture and I was thankful. It wasn’t easy to find someone who could easily understand the way you feel and the second after you get down, manage to take you up and make you smile as if nothing had happened. 

Magical Krista. 

The next morning, I first wondered where I was. I had to admit, it was the first time I was awaking in a light pink bedroom and the walls covered with that soft color welcomed me at the first sight. The bed was empty, but the sheets were still a little tepid. Yawning, I got off the bed, found my black boxers and put them on. 

And there, I stared at them, wondering for a moment why there weren’t my light blue butterflies all over the fabric and why it was so plain and so black. But that was until I reminded that I wasn’t thinking about my own boxers, and I mumbled a little without thinking much more about it. 

“You’re awaken, Marco?” I heard from the living room. 

“Uh, yeah…” 

Tee-shirt and trousers on, I quickly joined her, my phone in hand and I gave it a look. There was a new message from Reiner, my colleague at the gym, and…Nothing else. Somehow, I felt a little deceived but couldn’t point out the reason why as I wasn’t really waiting for something. I mean, I didn’t need an answer to any of my message at the moment, so… 

Jean still hadn’t answered. I sighed loudly, before shoving my phone in my back pocket, not even giving a look at Reiner’s SMS. It could wait, it was just Sunday.  
“Hello sweet,” she greeted me with a large smile. 

On the low table in the middle of the living room, there were two cups, one filled with coffee and the other one with colorful water (probably tea). 

“Sorry, that’s instant coffee,” she added. “I don’t usually drink it…” 

“It’s ok, don’t worry.” 

She was cute. Her hair held on her head in a quick bun, there were some locks falling from it, a proof of what had happened last night and I couldn’t help but smile a little. At least, until I remembered some little parts of the evening. 

And I was still thinking about the whole evening and night when I was on my way back home. Krista had to go and see her family pretty early, so I couldn’t stay much longer at hers’. The coffee was making its way and slowly waking me up in the bus, and by the time I got home I was fully able to think by myself and less sleepy. 

I still had no news of Jean, and I kind of worried a little about that. I knew that he was a big boy, able to take care of himself and all of that, but when you live with someone for so long, you can’t help but need to know. Was he even at home? Was he with someone? 

When I opened the door, I first gave a look at the floor, searching for the shoes. Jean’s boots were still in a corner, at the same place than the day before. 

First sigh of relief. 

Second thing, there was no sign of any other shoes in the entrance, nor coat, jacket or anything. Jean might have spent the whole night alone in his bedroom as the living room was fully dark, with the curtains closed and the light off. 

Second sigh of relief, and I couldn’t really say why. 

Enlightening the living room, I took my coat off, and turned one of the heaters on. It was quite cold here and sometimes I wondered if it wouldn’t be better to let some heat even at night. Shivering a little, I walked to the bedroom doors. Jean’s was still closed, and there was no light under it. He might have been still sleeping and before I could even think of it, I was against his door, pressing my ear to it. There was some noises inside, like sleepy groans and the soft sound of sheets moving a little on a body. Jean moved quite a lot when he was sleeping, so I wasn’t really surprised. 

So I stepped back, feeling a little better to know that Jean was there, safe, and for a moment I went to the kitchen. I hadn’t eat at all at Krista’s, just took the time for a shower before leaving her, plus I knew that Jean liked big breakfasts. 

One of our best ideas in this apartment was obviously to put thick carpets on the floor, it often helped me from making too much noises when he was still sleeping. But I guess that the lack of noise wasn’t enough to let Jean sleep more, and after a moment of cooking, I was done, a mug full of coffee (real coffee this time, not that shit I drank at Krista’s). I had turned the TV on a moment ago, switching from a channel to another until I could find the news. 

A soft noise suddenly got my attention and I quickly glanced at the door that barely opened. 

Jean used to do it every Sunday, and I acted as if I didn’t notice. First, he would spy at the living room for a few seconds, and I already could guess his face watching through the crack. I had to hide in my mug not to smile at it and turned a little to the TV, before going back to the kitchen. 

And I finally heard the door opening, the sound of his steps on the soft carpet, and I gave him a amused look.I couldn’t help smiling as usual, until my eyes fell on…  
His fuchsia boxers. And those terrible butterflies flying all over his low waist, some of them misshaped by the morning bulge in the underwear. 

…

Fuck. 

Why? The shape of his erection was barely hidden by his boxers and I could see every inch of it, from the base to the head which was visibly a little throbbing against the fabric, and even the soft curve of it was easily noticeable. 

Exactly what I could discern on the picture. 

“I knew it!” I said before I could stop myself. 

_BUT WHY WAS I EVEN LOOKING AT HIS DICK !?_ I might be even more frustrated than I first thought, really. 

“Wha-what?” Jean sputtered and when I raised my eyes to him, there was no way for him to get any redder. 

Oh shit Marco. What did you say _AGAIN_? Now Jean would think weird things about you, great! Oh please Jean, no-no-no-no, don’t look at me like that! 

I suddenly felt a bit lost in my own thoughts and desperately tried not to show it. Playing my best smile (or at least the best I could, oh my god), I came closer to Jean. I did remember Krista’s words about Jean (his boxers actually) and I just had to use it for a cover. 

“Ah, well, I mean…Hello, pinky princess butterfly!” 

He blinked, visibly not at ease and surely almost wincing. “What the fuck?”

At least Jean was acting normally, like he would act every day. Somehow it comforted me and I held back a sigh of relief (the third one). The node forming in my throat hadn’t disappeared yet but still I felt a bit better. It was always better when Jean’s gaze softened like that, looking at me. 

So I laughed a little to hide my uneasy statement. “Man, I couldn’t see it well yesterday with your bitchy light, but still, how comes you have those…Oh god, those wonderful _fuchsia_ boxers?” 

That was just the best question ever and I had to smile at that, almost biting at my bottom lip not to laugh again at his pouting face when he eyed his own boxers, rolling his shirt up. Jean, couldn’t you be at least a little _ashamed_ by your erection in front of your roommate, please? That wasn’t something casual! 

I don’t even know how I didn’t get as red as a tomato with all that. 

“I like that pair,” he finally said before hiding back a little his bulge from my view. 

“That’s crazy! I wouldn’t wear them for anything…” I chuckled a little not to show how troubled I was in reality, and he just answered with a “Yeah yeah” while he took place on a bar stool of the kitchen. His coffee soon became clearer due to the amount of milk in it, and even now I can’t understand people doing such a horrible thing: coffee is coffee, if you can’t stand it then just drink your milk alone! It was a crime to mix both drinks. 

Even worse with sugar, I thought when I saw him shoving some in his mug. 

But at least now that he was sitting, I couldn’t have a view to his crotch and somehow it was way better to me. 

“But actually it looks good on you!” I continued more easily. Teasing Jean was something formidable, especially when he spilled a bit of his milk on the table with big eyes like that and this time I admit that I couldn’t help myself and laughed pretty loudly. 

“Man, stop saying stupid things!” he chocked, visibly trying to take back his breath. 

I don’t know what was so terrible to him, but his face had took a pretty nice shade of red, and I _had_ to tease him again with a “You should see your face, you’re so red!” which was making it even worse, and he only replied with an annoyed sigh while I was moving a little. 

By the time I was behind him, he was silent (what is, for Jean, pretty weird when he has his honor dismissed like that), and I took profit of this small break to lean against his back as almost every mornings, stretching my arm to catch a sugar. 

I know, I’ve said that I like my coffee black only. But actually, there is something I like to do: adding a piece of sugar in the end of my coffee, when there is just enough drink to cover it before it melt and disappear. 

“You stink,” I heard from below. 

What the—

A bit surprised by Jean’s note, I straightened back, blinking a little at him. “Really?” I asked. 

“Yeah, go take a shower, dirty Bodt!” 

I let the sugar fall in my mug, and finally felt myself smiling. Jean looked like a child at that moment, pursing his lips a little as he was eying me from the corner of his eye. About to laugh again, I just shrugged. “I’ll think about it, mister Pink Butterfly.” 

“Fuck you,” he growled with his nose in his mug. 

I wouldn’t lie. At that reply, the first thing I’ve thought about was…The photo sent by SMS the night before. “Tell it to your right hand, looser!” Take it, Jean! 

At that moment, I swear he blushed even more than before, despite the fact he was wincing deeply. “That’s lame, coming from you, Marco.”

I laughed softly, rubbing his hair with my palm. 

“I know, sorry dude.”

That was unfair. The short strand of hair were still so soft even after the night that I almost didn’t want to take my hand off. But I had to sit on the other stool and began turning the spoon stuck in my mug. 

It was even softer than Krista’s. 

“Had a nice sleepover?” Jean mumbled in his mug. 

Oh god. It was the first time that Jean was talking about Krista, and I kinda felt happy, unable to hold a smile, both for him and her. For him, I mean for the fact that he was caring about me and my love life. That was quite new. 

“Yeah, pretty nice,” I answered. 

Despite the fact I hadn’t been really manly, yeah it had been a really good night, indeed. 

“Great,” he sighed and. 

Staring at the deepness of my mug, I moved a little my spoon. “Your night?” 

“Short.” 

At the word, I felt like my mind was suddenly racing, my eyes fighting not to go to his crotch and I kind of laugh to hide my embarrassment. 

“Short jerking off or short night?” 

Jean immediately choked, coughing hard for a moment, and I had to wait for him to calm down before he answered with a deep sigh. 

“Short, that’s all,” I sighed. “Read a bit too much and couldn’t sleep enough after that.” 

Oh god, how was it possible for you to do it when you had such a boner? Myself I couldn’t sleep at all and would have to do something with that! But Jean’s face looked serious enough as he was…Not staring at me at all, continuing his stuff with his milk and some bread. 

“What a wonderful night…” I finally sighed, watching him put a large piece of bread in his small mug. 

“You’re pitying me or what?” Jean asked after a bit of that soft mix of coffee, milk and soaked bread. 

I couldn’t hide my hesitation at that. It was impossible not to think about every possible way for Jean to spend his night, but then here we were: just the two of us, and nobody else in the morning. 

“We know each other for years, and, uh, how to say…”

What a wonderful beginning, Marco, wow! 

“I’m still single?” he laughed. 

Was I the only one who didn’t take it funny? Jean was smiling as if it was no big deal but it was hard to believe. I mean, whenever I was single, I felt so bad and alone that I was all the time with Jean not to be alone a single time. Not that I disliked it, really! Despite what he tried to show day after day, Jean was actually a nice guy, sweet and everything you could be looking for a perfect boyfriend. 

“You’re worrying a bit too much. I’m not some virgin or anything, I’m a grown man, dude, and you know, I have relationships sometimes. And well, sexual relations, if that’s what you asked about.”

Oh god. What could I even say after that? Of course, my mind tried to imagine Jean with someone, and of course in a sexual way, with his fancy boxers on his ass, his terrible erection stuck in them and a girl somewhere in the mess of his sheets. Of course I blushed deeply at the thought, unable not to feel a little troubled (who wouldn’t?). When I gave it a look, Jean was kinda hot. For a guy, I mean! 

But I couldn’t really imagine Jean going someone just for one night, actually. The first and last time I’d seen Jean with someone, we were in high school, first or second year I don’t remember well, and it didn’t last for long. After a month, it ended, and I still have the fresh memory of Jean’s tears in my neck for the whole night and even more, his fingers gripping my shirt so hard that I somehow thought that he would tear it. 

I couldn’t take it away of my mind, even something like eight years after it happened. Really, I couldn’t and whenever I remembered about that time, I felt so sad and bad and fucking useless that I always wondered what I could do. 

“I wonder how you do, I’ve never seen you with someone, except that girl in high school of course…” I finally groaned, playing absentmindly with my spoon in my now empty mug. 

“Magic.” 

He was laughing. I didn’t know how he was able to. I felt bad for him and it wasn’t even my love life! 

“Really…” 

Maybe it was true, his gaze didn’t lie (or I think it didn’t), his smile warming me quite a lot in the end. So, maybe Jean had some relationships. Right. I don’t get how, and _when_ since I barely see him outside for something else than going to work, but still… 

Still on that image of his potential-sexual-looking, an idea crossed my mind. “Do you use to wear that type of boxers?” I suddenly asked. 

He blinked, visibly not thinking about such a question and I have to admit that yeah, it was a bit bold. After a look to his crotch (God, don’t look at it that way…), he simply shrugged. “These are just boxers, what does it—“

“Daily?” I cut him off. 

“Yeah, I do…” he heavily sighed. 

Here was the point. For some reason I couldn’t figure, I felt some exaltation at the idea that Jean, by confessing his type of underwear, had actually _many_ others in his wardrobe. And I felt curious. 

Wait. Was I really asking him about his underwear? 

Wiping the last question off my mind, I got back to Jean who was seriously staring at me, almost scowling. 

“Amaaazing!” I said, half laughing. 

“What?” 

Trying to hide the fact I was blushing again at all those weird thoughts about my roommate (let’s admit it, there’s nothing normal in any of them), I waved a little at him. “I mean, I love that type of boxers but I wouldn’t dare wear one!”

Right, Jean might be the only person able to wear them and not look stupid. 

He simply shook his head, visibly done with the subject. “You’re impossible…Should I remind you that I’m a underwear designer then?”

Oh god, was he right. That could explain a lot of things about his underwear. 

“I always forget about it! You got those at work?” I chuckled gently. 

“Na, just some personal shopping.” 

What the fuck, don’t make me go back on my own thoughts!

“You seriously bought them?”

“Of course. They deserved it!” 

No way! And before I could even think about what I was doing, my hand was on him, raising his tee-shirt enough to see his boxers. The colors looked better that on the picture, not to mention these little and cute butterflies flying all over the thin fabric. 

Thin enough to show his morning erection (if it was). Don’t worry, Marco. That’s just some normal body reaction. You know it, and you have it every morning too. It’s ok.  
But somehow, this time it didn’t make me giggle stupidly, his warm body under my hands shivering a little under my touch. I might have cold hands. 

“Definitly love them!” I finally laughed. 

His face amazingly reddened until the ears and he raised his eyes to the ceiling, biting his lips before pushing me away, mumbling something indistinct. 

It was finally a pretty nice morning with a nice and cute Jean in front of me. 

I loved that.


	3. "AND PLEASE STOP MOANING MY NAME LIKE THAT!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaving Jean to meet Krista had been a bad idea. Not for Jean, but for Marco and his own guiltiness. How to deal with both his girlfriend and his bestfriend when his thoughts and feelings are definitly NOT going the right way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god. The previous chapter was released two months ago. I hoped that I could make it before, but unfortunately, I got troubles with too much work, lack of time, exhaustion, orders and orders and even more orders I didn't plan to get! But I don't give up on Kinky Pants! (and even more as I have a new plot for a new fanfic work for later) 
> 
> No corrections again for the moment, gonna try to have some time and help for it when I can xD
> 
> Hope you'll still like it! Writting after two months was quite hard and I'm not sure about my sentences and everything... @@ Don't hesitate and comment >wtmblr account , actually I had one for long but didn't really use it until now...Don't know what I'm going to do with it ahah XD Fanfiction, cosplay, thoughts...Let's see! 
> 
> Want to read Jean's POV chapter 3 matching Marco's? [Here!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3226154/chapters/7153364)

Have you ever noticed? When you take a shower or just go to the toilets, there is always someone ready to call you for any reason. I had heard it ringing while I was under the water, the sound barely reaching my ears and yet I was still wondering what it was, making such a weird noise. Through water falling on your head, you never get sounds the right way. It had always been a bit disturbing when someone was to talk to me in such a moment. 

A shower. Actually, I didn’t really have to take another one, I did at Krista’s. But for some reason I couldn’t point out, I didn’t feel at ease once I was back at home. Also, even if I didn’t really care about Jean’s words, it somehow lingered in my mind and I eventually ended in the shower box. I couldn’t help, and the familiar scent was comforting me quite well. Just, I wondered since when Jean and I started to use the same shower gel. 

The steam had made the bathroom all white, the air thick and hot filling my lungs slowly. But without any heater in this room, it was desperately cold. I had to speak with jean to buy some auxiliary heater for this place. I was quite fed up freezing my balls off every time I was opening the glass door of the shower. 

The towel in hands, I was sighing and shivering against the coldness biting my skin, before rubbing hard on it. Oh dear god, I always felt like there were more and more freckles every time I did it. Why on earth had I been chosen to look like a stupid human constellation? 

The soft music played again on my phone, small vibrations making it move a little on the closed lid of the toilets. And yes, I always put my phone here when I’m showering. Still wet, water sliding from the skin to the floor, I stretched an arm to grab my phone and couldn’t help a smile. Krista’s face had popped on the screen as she was calling, and I quickly swept the screen to answer.  
Water? What water? 

“Hey honey, what’s going on?” I purred. 

A soft chuckle answered me the way she used to do. “Dumb!” she said trying to sound a bit mean. “ _Oh, hum…Actually I’ll be back earlier than I thought…_ ” 

How nice! It wasn’t hard to understand the meaning, but I just hummed a “Aaaaand?”, waiting for her to go further. 

_“So we can meet again later …If you’d like?”_

No need to say twice, of course, I was already smiling like a stupid teenager. The day was going pretty well, with Jean showing some sweet interest for Krista (but obviously not in the wrong way I could fear from a man), and being able to see her again today.  
“Of course! When?” 

“ _Mh, I might leave at 2PM, I think, I’ll send you a SMS, okay?_ ” 

“Yeah, no problem.”

“ _I’ve seen that there’s a big open market today in town. Wanna go?_ ” 

Oh fuck. Markets and stuff were not really my thing; but sometimes you have to be a gentleman. 

“I’m yours, take me wherever you want!” 

A bit too much. Uh. She laughed softly. 

_“Aaah, stupid…Well, I have to leave you now!”_

And after the usual cute words we greeted each other, I hung up. I felt pretty happy despite the coldness and I left the bathroom pretty soon with a towel around my hips. I knew that Jean didn’t like it a lot when I was walking half naked in our apartment, but he had to deal with it as I often forgot my clothes in my room. So, I didn’t bench that much when I heard the loud voice, actually a huge scream, coming from the living room. How comes that guy always knew when I wasn’t wearing a single clothes? (Just because I can’t name a towel a cloth) 

“SOMEDAY YOU’RE GONNA FORGET YOUR HEAD DUMB! GO TAKE YOUR CLOTHES!” 

“Yeaaah sweetheart,” I told him without giving him a look. “You’d rather take a shower instead of yelling at me!” 

“DON’T CALL ME SWEETHEART!” 

Laughing loudly at him, I didn’t mind a lot about his screams, walking through a large part of the room where he was fumbling around, and God knows what he was doing. For some reason, Jean had always acted quite…Prude. He’s not the type to walk around the apartment half naked (not like me, I mean), and I already caught him more blushing so hard when he met me in such an outfit. More than once. I guess he’s shy, or have some physical complexes and can’t get over it? But, if Jean wasn’t someone to be muscular (that’s what I thought, he always looked so thin, but athletic, in his fashion clothes!), he had nothing to envy to anybody. 

That’s also why I’ve never understood the reason he was still single, PLUS why he didn’t care a lot about it. Were one-night stands really his thing? Oh god, I barely imagine the oh-so-shy Jean Kirschtein going in a hotel with a girl he’d even never seen five minutes before! 

Uh? 

Wait. Something was wrong. 

He said that he had no problem having someone, right? That his…Well, that his sexual life was completely ok? But…But? But I’d NEVER seen Jean going back home WITH ANYONE IN ALMOST TEN YEARS LIVING WITH HIM ! Going to the hotel wasn’t an excuse, at all, he should have talked at least once about such things! …Right? That’s what I actually thought. If I were Jean, I would have said at least a word about my night. 

So how was he even doing this? I’d never heard about him in contact with a single woman! And yet he dared tell me that everything was going well for him on this point!? Did he really think I was that stupid? The hotel? I’m not dumb, I’ve never seen him leaving the flat for the night !

With the door closed behind me, Jean’s voice had immediately shut down and he wasn’t talking anymore. I could only heard the sound of TV, sometimes his footstep. I didn’t especially like when he was acting like this, but actually I knew he wasn’t really mad at me. It was more a way to preserve himself, to show that he was aware of my presence and of what I was doing, and it always felt comforting coming from Jean. If he had to ignore me, I don’t know what I would do, really. 

We’d been like ‘together’ for years now, and somehow I couldn’t imagine the day it would end. Every time I was thinking about it, I eventually got rid off the idea and put it in a corner of my mind, trying not to think about it anymore. And I finally didn’t give it any importance as I never left him in the end, every of my girlfriends breaking up before it could even become a subject. 

I sighed at the memories (not so bad but not really pleasant) and started looking for some clothes, quickly. I wanted something not too nerdy, because even if it was Sunday, I didn’t want to look like some looser in front of Krista. So, some plain black shirt and a pair of jeans would do it, that’s what I thought. The result actually wasn’t so bad, and I smiled a little in front of the mirror before reminding about something similar, but with just boxers, in Krista’s bathroom. That joke was just stupid, no need to wonder why Jean didn’t answered anymore after that. 

My phone quickly in hand, I couldn’t resist and opened my message box, my thumb pushing on the icon of Jean to have his last SMS. Or rather, that MMS. That was quite disturbing, of course. What did it mean to him, by sending such a picture? Nothing? God, he didn’t look uncomfortable at all when he saw me on the morning, so I guess I was the only one to feel weird about it? Not only weird, it also fucked up half my night! 

Mumbling a little to myself, I shove my phone in my jeans back pocket, trying to think about something else than those fucking blue butterflies flying on a pink sky. 

Back to the living room, I discovered a Jean lying on the couch, and he looked like he was quite enjoying himself like that, quiet and silent. So I did my best not to be too noisy, arranging some little things in the kitchen space until I heard a so-fucking-sexy-yet-male moan. Holding back a gulp at it as I was taken off guard, I raised my eyes from the table I was quickly washing with the old sponge to look at Jean, stretching on the couch, arms above his head. 

Holy shit. How come that guy was able to make such sounds? It wasn’t the first time he was doing it to get my attention (and I knew it was his only goal), and I always wondered if he was used to do it…I mean, did he moan like this with his bed conquests? Like, moaning with so much sex appeal? If he did, I’m pretty sure that every woman would kneel before him at any moment. That was just…Waoh. And not even enough to say it like this. 

But I came closer to him nonetheless, trying not to show my train of thoughts, and leaned a little above his head. He was the same as usual, with that small smirk of his. 

“What is it?” I asked. 

He stretched up an arm, almost touching me. 

“Up for a movie?” 

“Oh.”

God, no. I hadn’t time enough for a movie…

I hated so much those situations, and I could already imagine his deception when I say that I was leaving soon. 

“What?” Jean growled, and it was like he guessed what I was thinking at the same moment. 

I tried to smile, quite bad at hiding my discomfort. No turn back, Marco. 

“W-well, I’m going out in a few minutes…”

I guess it was quite ok like that, not telling him everything? Even if Jean had made an effort with asking about Krista earlier, he wasn’t the type to like a lot my girlfriends, for some unknown reasons. He just never liked them and none of those girls did either. 

“Maaarco?” 

He stretched a little more on the couch, his voice lingering in my mind and somehow I didn’t feel at ease AT ALL. Wait, stop. There’s not problem, ok? Your roommate and best friend was just lying and stretching on the sofa, just wearing his night tee-shirt and his butterfly boxers. God. The boxers. AND PLEASE STOP MOANING MY NAME LIKE THAT ! 

Smile, Marco, SMILE, you’re just good at it! 

“Oh, uh, I’ve a date with Krista this afternoon…” 

I saw him literally freeze in place, straight like a broom and I immediately took my eyes off of him. A few seconds later, I could hear the sound of the TV and his body moving a little to set himself a little more comfortable on the couch.  
Wait…That’s all? 

“Eh, say something, at least…” I said. 

His lack of reactions in the end was a bit too much and I didn’t know what to expect from him at the moment. Some insults maybe, or a finger raised to show how I was pissing him off. But no, Jean just managed to shrug and mumble, visibly not even giving a shit to me. 

“Have fun,” he finally said. 

It wasn’t time to leave at all, but at his words I stepped back to finish washing the table, then went to my room again. I didn’t feel the need to look great anymore, my happiness a bit (a lot, actually) down now, and I caught a large grey sweatshirt I put on my shirt. It would be enough, I told myself as I was going to the bathroom to clean my teeth. The sound of TV barely hit my ears through the noise of the toothbrush, and somehow it was better. I couldn’t get what he was watching, but it didn’t seem to be something for me. Maybe some horror show. I hated that. 

I left with just a “I’m leaving, see you.” That I didn’t want to be too harsh but whatever. He didn’t replied, busy with his movie, and I was already heading to the bus stop, with a hope that I wouldn’t wait too long. After all, it was Sunday and the frequency was quite bad. 

**[12:06AM] From : Krista  
Mom got on my nerves ahah meet me later at the southern market?**

I’d just got a bus when I received her message and, taking a seat, I sighed loudly, earning some surprised looks from people around me. I didn’t care a lot, feeling a bit better when I read her SMS. _Forget about Jean, Marco. You’re gonna have a good time with Krista, it’s ok._

Easier to say than to do, right, but focusing on her helped me quite a lot. 

**[12:08AM] To : Krista  
OK, i m already in a bus  <3 **

After sending it, I frowned a little, wondering if it wasn’t a bit too early after all. 

**[12:09AM] From : Krista  
Ahah youre impatient! **

She didn’t seem t find it weird, so it was ok for me. 

After a long (too long) moment in that old bus, I finally managed to found the place she told me. The open market wasn’t so far from the bus station, so I took my time, walking between all the stalls showing off many products, like food mostly, and some were selling handmade jewels or clothes. There was nothing really interesting but a candy shop, and I fought against myself as usual not to stare too long at it. I have a sweet tooth. A big one. Maybe that’s the main reason I’ve started going to the gym and worked out, until I eventually became a coach. Some joke about the possibility that I could get fat (I swear I wasn’t) scared me a little and I subscribed right away. 

If I remember well, that was Jean’s fault. That guy didn’t stop making fun of me when we were started living in the same room, but he quickly stopped, even if it was a bit too late for the idea of being fat someday because of junk food and candies. 

“Marco!” 

Krista’s sweet voice caught me off guard, and I suddenly felt a weight pulling on my arm from behind. I didn’t really know how long I’d been waiting for her, but she was here and this was all I needed. 

“Hey,” I greeted her back, smiling my best. 

I didn’t know Krista for long, that was quite true, but the time we’d spent together was already precious to me. So, even in a market I didn’t care about, as long as we were together, I was ok with everything. Even trying to get interested in things I had no idea before (and mostly because it wasn’t my thing at all, I admit). 

I followed her for what seemed hours to me but I didn’t dare look at my phone to check the time. I was quite in an apprehension for a message from Jean, what I also knew wouldn’t come. He wasn’t the type to send a SMS for nothing, now. But I swear that he had been. We were young, and bored in class. 

“Did something happen?” Krista suddenly asked. 

She was driving her car on our way back to her flat, and I benched a little when I heard her voice, taken by surprise as I was lost in my thoughts. 

“Nothing really,” I answered, actually quite unsure myself. 

She gave me a light smile, quickly focusing back on the road. 

“You look a little absentminded compare with this morning. I can understand if it’s something private, honey. You don’t _have_ to tell me everything you kn—“ 

“That’s not really private!” I suddenly cut her, then I felt myself blushing a little because of my behavior. Ok, good, Marco. Acting weird must be your favorite thing. 

But Krita just raised an eyebrow in a curious look, and slightly nodded to give me the right to say, well…Anything I would like to. 

I sighed. 

“That’s nothing important, really.”

“But it’s upsetting you, I can tell.” 

Another sigh. And the next second, I was telling her about my morning back at the apartment, about Jean’s harsh behavior when I left, and it didn’t take long for her to point out on something. 

“Oh god, Marco, of course he must be angry!” she giggles softly. “Well, Jean is kind of your best friend, right?”

“Not kind of. He is.” I corrected her before I could help, and blushed a little at her quick glance at me. 

“Ok, according to you, he should be ok with being alone on a Sunday when his best friend is on an unplanned date?” 

Urgh. She was right. If I were Jean, I think I would have pouted quite a lot, even just to tease Jean. 

“But,” I sighed, “he could understand that having someone in your life can change your bachelor life at least _a little_ …” 

“So he’s single?” 

“God, I already told you!”

“I wasn’t sure! So he could go out and find a girl! Today’s a nice day, after all…”

Jean’s words were still in my mind, and I shrugged with a shoulder, unsure about the idea. 

“Well, errr…He doesn’t seem to, uh…”

“Is he that ugly?”

“N-NO!”

Oops. A bit too loud, Marco. 

“O-of course not,” I quickly corrected. 

“So, virgin? It might make him shy!”

“He-he-he’s not…” 

At least, according to him, his sexual life was completely ok. And I sighed again, looking through the thick window car on my left. 

“Really? Soooo…” she continued with a smile. 

“What?” I mumbled. 

“He just need to find someone and there only, he will be ok with us.” 

“You might be right…” 

In my back pocket, my phone was still silent since the moment I’d left the apartment. Somehow, I hoped that I would have just missed the soft vibration and that a SMS was waiting for me, but I knew Jean too well : no way he would text me first in this situation. I was pretty sure that he was pouting like a child right now. 

“That guy’s stressful,” I mumbled mostly to myself. I saw Krista raising an eyebrow by the corner of my eye, asking silently for more. “Uh, I mean…I know him too well I guess, I know pretty much how he’s gonna think or act…So…”

“I assume that’s why you’re always talking about him?” 

I frowned a little at it. “Am I?” 

She giggled softly, a smirk at the corner of her lips. “Well, kind of. We’ve been dating for barely more than two weeks and I feel like I know him as well as you. Every time we meet, you talk about him. Never noticed?” 

Oh god. Embarrassed like hell, I blushed deeply and looked for a special point to stare at, trying not to blush even more. “You…You could have told me earlier…” I growled, rubbing my face with my palm to hide the deep redness I knew was here for a moment. 

“Why?” 

And she looked so sure when asking this that I first couldn’t find any answer, opening my mouth many times like a goldfish. 

“You look happy when you talk about your friend,” she finally added. “So I don’t see why I should stop you.” 

Even more embarrassing. Was I going to turn DARK was quite the question in my mind, as well as what to say now. I still couldn’t find any answer. 

So lame. 

I finally heard Krista’s crystal laughter, and I felt like melting on my seat. 

“You’re worse than a child,” she softly sighed. “Send him some text, I don’t know?” 

“What are you even saying?” I huffed, trying to smile casually. 

“Just that you should stop worrying, or if you can’t, just text him and tell him whatever you want to! Is that so difficult?” 

“B-but…” 

“But?”

“…”

“Text him, Marco! For god’s sake, you look like a bride about to say yes!” 

“I DON’T LOO—“

But her sudden dark gaze quite froze me and I immediately shut. The next thing I was doing the second after this? Well, anybody could guess : I was tipping a message on my phone. Jean’s name was on full display at the top of the screen, and I felt like hiding my soft sadness when I discovered that there was no SMS from him. I knew it. 

“Hurry up,” Krista sighed deeply. 

“S-stop it, that’s not even funny…”

“It is. You look panicked as hell.” 

Biting a little on my lower lip, I didn’t answer her this time, trying to focus on my dark screen. 

**[5:34PM] To : Jean  
Im sorry 4 not telling u for today**

I didn’t even know that I could take so many time for SO MANY WORDS. Was I that stupid? But the message was already gone and I really couldn’t find anything else to write. 

But I didn’t even had the time to put the phone back in my pocket that it was already vibrating in my hand. What? SO FAST? Man, you must be kidding—

**[5:35PM] From : Jean  
Np, you cook tonight!**

How did Jean manage to make things even more difficult to live? I had promised Krista that we could spend the whole night together again. But asking me to cook was his way to forgive me. But well. I had priorities, right? He would understand.  
So, after a long moment staring at my screen, I started tipping on the digital keyboard, secretly thanking the auto-correct each time I fucked on a letter. 

**[5:38PM] To : Jean  
At krista s tonight**

He would understand. He would. He had to. It was Jean after a—

**[5:39 PM] From : Jean  
Fuck you**

He didn’t. 

And suddenly, I was feeling down, not even concerned with Krista’s dark gaze on me as I was mumbling Jean’s text to myself. 

“Krista…” I suddenly whined. 

“Mh?” 

“I think I have a problem…” 

Even if he was naturally harsh, always talking like a delinquent, acting like some of a bad boy, Jean had never used that type of words to me. Not in such a moment. 

But do you know what the worst was? Nothing had really happened. My best friend, my roommate for years, was just blaming me. 

And I was feeling as bad as if I’d been rejected by my own girlfriend. 

Normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. So Marco is kind of...Always talking about Jean. Thinking about Jean should even be the right term. Poor him. Being so blind must be so difficult to live! 
> 
> What do you all think about their situation? ;) Any idea? Any wish? (I already have my whole plot for Kinky Pants! And...Some surprises...Krkrkrkrkr~~)


	4. “About being in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I post a chapter, I feel like I've taken months and months (even years) to write my chapter x_x (thanks god, I think it's just...A month...? *dies*) 
> 
> Again it's been quite hard to write after a long time not writing (english of french) ! I hope it's not too much confused and that it's still understandable @@ I'll make the edit later when I can find some time... xD
> 
> Hope you'll like it! (Marco's part isn't funny at all at the moment but it's gonna change in a few time, I promise !)
> 
> Thanks again for all the nice comments and kudos, it always makes me sooooo happy !

I’d met Krista more than two weeks ago, of course. She was one of my colleagues’ young sister, and the first time I saw her she was just entering the gym complex. No need to say that she was completely lost in the big building, looking for her big brother. By the way, I suspect him, Reiner Braun, to be her step brother due to their different last names. And their…Physical difference as well. If Krista was incredibly small, cute and everything any man was looking for, Reiner was her complete opposite. He was tall –taller than me and not just a little. He was big –way bigger than me, I still don’t get how he got to be like that, his body wasn’t even humanly possible. Plus… Some other differences, even though they were pretty similar on some points. 

And so, a few months ago, I’d met Krista and helped her to find her body-builder of a big brother. That was the beginning of a soft flirt. A very soft one, really. She didn’t look comfortable at all at first, even though I was trying –so hard- not to hit too much on her. There was obviously something in her mind at that moment, and time had passed before I could know a single part of it. Talking, little by little, had been something that had us been closer and closer. 

But when we started dating, I already knew the main part about our relationship and a the few conditions it was based on. _Few_ but here they were, tying me from wanting anything more than I could have. I knew it so well and I didn’t want to believe it from so far. I knew why she’d agreed to be with me –or rather why she accepted to give me a try. I knew the basics. No more no less. 

So, even if I liked Krista that much –and I wanted to like her of course, even if I loved her until I was smiling stupidly, alone with myself most of the time, everything I knew was also set to keeping me away from truly loving her. 

I’d always known about this relationship to be fucked up from the beginning. 

She’d set the things from the very first day. 

Was I so desperate to having someone to be with? 

“A problem ?” 

Driving carefully, Krista had talked with a soft voice, as if she knew how to make me feel comfortable again. It quite awoke me from staring at my phone for a moment, and I finally sighed loudly before swallowing thickly, searching for my words. 

“I-“

My screen turned off and there was only a black shining cube in my hand. I was feeling a little lost, didn’t really know what to think or say, and only God knows why. I might be tired or something like that. I wasn’t sure. Really. 

“Well, if a friend told you something like “fuck you”, how would you react?” I eventually asked slowly, trying to figure how I should react by myself nonetheless. 

“Mmh, that’s not nice but also depends on the way it’s said and the reason. Why?” 

Of course. The evidence abruptly hit me and I let a small smile linger on my lips. Yeah, that was just something that simple. 

“Well, nothing important, then,” I said. Nothing had happened at all before, during and after all that, and there was still nothing to worry about. It was just me, paying too much attention about Jean. 

“Liar,” she coughed funnily, and I quickly found myself laughing and forgetting about my small nervousness a few seconds before. It was better this way, letting things go and thinking about something else, or just thinking differently about it. I didn’t even know why I’d thought about anything bad earlier. Great, Marco. 

I shrugged a little, and looked again at the screen of my phone which was reflecting my own face. Slowly humming a song I didn’t even know the title, I pushed the central button, swept the soft surface with my thumb to unlock the main screen. A selfie of Krista and myself was set as my wallpaper and I pursed my lips for a second, trying not to smile stupidly. I failed. 

I was so lame. 

“Thanks, Krista,” I added. 

She sighed again. “You’re weird, sometimes…I did nothing, dear.” 

I nodded, opening at the same time the message box and Jean’s conversation before typing a quick answer, and I finally rolled my eyes to get rid of the limbs of my weirdness as Jean’s “fuck you” was still in view. I sent my message right away. 

**[5:41 PM] To : Jean  
That s not nice**

A bit childish and I knew it pretty well, but what else to say? He was doing the same, or at least that was what I thought. 

I shove my phone in the pocket of my jacket, pulled on the zip to close it and let out a long and loud sigh before I glanced at Krista by the corner of my eye. She was focusing on the road and I didn’t dare disturbing her more than what I already did.  
It didn’t take so long to go to her apartment, and we didn’t spoil so much time between the car and the warm inside : it was actually freezing outside and the heaters were somehow calling for us. 

“Wow, feels better here,” I said while crashing on her sofa, rubbing my hands together to get them warm again. 

“Doesn’t it?” she laughed. “I don’t like the cold, I’m easily sick, so…” 

I nodded with a smile, quite happy that she was talking on her own about herself. I already knew a lot about Krista, of course, we’d spent so much time only talking while drinking a coffee at the sport complex or at the restaurant. 

She took her coat off, just to put a thick wool jacket on the next few seconds. 

“You’re chilly”, I teased gently. 

“Tch! Don’t laugh, big baby!” she mumbled pursing her lips a little, playfully. 

“I don’t, I don’t! You just remind me of…”

I didn’t finish, suddenly paying attention to what I was about to say, what subject and putting things in order. It reminded me of Jean, of course. The guy was rather chilly and always complaining about our economies on the heaters, especially for night. But he never tried to cheat about it, aware about life, its cost and everything. 

“Mh?” she asked curiously. 

“Ah, no, just…Something I remembered…”

She sat with me, leaning against my side. “Mmmh, really…Oh, did I tell you about the job I was being interviewed for?” 

“The designer thing?”

As for Jean, I never got everything about what was her job. Not that I didn’t care, really, but I always forgot half of the subject. I’d never been good at it, taking all jobs as something particular and thinking that I wasn’t good enough to understand it well –and so it would be better for me not to try too hard and forget. 

About Jean for example? Well. 

He was an underwear designer. And he even had to remind me this morning, even though we lived together (quite weird to say it like that) for now the eighth year. 

I just hoped that he didn’t design his own boxers. It would be scary. Or cute. _What?_

“Yes!” Krista nodded with energy. Cute girl, she wasn’t even mad at me for not naming her job properly. “I’m starting tomorrow in a new office!” 

“Whoah, that’s great, I suppose?” 

“You bet!” she laughed. “That’s not a new place but they’ve been bought last week, and their new employer is making some changes in the company. Seems they needed a new designer…” 

“Good thing that they hire you, then.” 

“Yeah, even though I don’t know a lot about panties and that type of things…” she sighed softly. 

At those lines, I remembered something. Well. Of course, it was Jean related stuff, but still…Did she say ‘panties and stuff’? 

“What’s the name of that company, by the way?” I asked, trying not to sound weird. 

She tilted her head back against the backrest of the sofa. Her fair hair was falling along the soft fabric, some auburn peachy velvet. It looked rather new by the way. 

“Oh, uh…’Scouting Panties’ if I remember well? I’m still not accustomed to the place, really…” 

“Oh god, what’s that name?” 

And we laughed, together, trying to understand why someone gave such a name to the company. It was quite weird, not attractive at all for a place selling sexy underwear. That was just my opinion. 

But by laughing, I also could hide my embarrassment toward Krista. I knew that company name pretty well as Jean’s workplace. Don’t ask why I could remember the name of the company he worked for but not his job. 

“I dunno,” she said. “But it seems like the new boss doesn’t even think about changing it even a little!” 

“Amazing to know that the buyer has the same horrible taste than the previous owner!” I laughed. 

“Well, they even should get married,” she giggles, sweetly. 

A few time quickly passed like that, saying every stupid things crossing our minds. I think Krista was doing it on purpose to make me think about something else. The small thing with Jean wasn’t such a big deal, but still it was hard to get over it. 

After all, it was Jean and it wasn’t as if that guy meant nothing to me. 

I mean, I was even _living_ with him. 

Yeah, living. 

Like, literally. 

For eight years. 

Well. Uh. _Hum_. 

It was even more than a lot of married people until they divorced. 

And somehow, it felt quite embarrassing to think that way. 

Most of the time, I didn’t care a lot about that fact. Jean and I had always been pretty close, and I had even often felt like I could spend my whole life living that way, with him. But I was aware, not that stupid: he, or I, would someday find someone else to live with and leave the apartment. That was how things were set to be in the future, and I think we both knew that. 

And every time I thought about that, I…

Well. I kinda felt sad, or something like that, I guess. Not that I couldn’t live without Jean, I mean! (Or maybe?) But I had the feeling that everything wouldn’t taste the same at all. 

And a bit lost in my own mind craps, I almost jumped on the sofa when I felt my jacket pocket vibrating against my thigh. The next seconds, the cell was already in my hand. Ah,final—

 **[6:13 PM] From : Big Reiner  
Wth sis again?**

What. Was. That. 

I heard myself sigh heavily before sinking deeply in the sofa, feeling a bit disappointed by my colleague’s message and I glanced at Krista, who was raising her eyebrows with curiosity. 

“Your brother,” I said slowly. 

“You don’t look happy with that, did he say something bad?” 

“Ah, uh? No, just asking if I’m with you. _Again_.” I slightly insisted on his word, feeling the corner of my lips curving into a funny smile. Reiner was quite of a possessive big brother and he didn’t miss an occasion to show it. Well, with such a cute little sister, I could understand. 

“Again?” she repeated before sighing. “He must be alone right now, that’s why.” 

I hummed in response, my thumb resting a moment on the screen to make it switch to Jean’s message window. He hadn’t answered yet, but my SMS sure didn’t really need to be answered back, I guess…  
So, as I was in the mood, I typed a new one. 

**[6:15 PM] To : Jean  
What r u doin?**

“You don’t need to write back to Reiner, you know?” Krista said when I’d hit the ‘ _send_ ’ button. 

“I, uh—“ 

Weeeeeeell, how to say?

“O-ok, then…” I just said lamely. I wasn’t writing to her brother at all, but it wasn’t as if I was hiding something as well. So what? 

I was a bit weird, I think. A bit too weird. But, you know, there was different things in my mind. Jean’s shy face in the morning when he was just out of his bed, and those moments when he was almost genuinely smiling (I knew it was only because he let his guard down due to the lack of coffee after waking up even if he hated that drink) and his eyes archly brightening when he was somehow playing with me on the sofa didn’t go along with his sudden shitty mood when I left. 

Krista lighted up the TV and I lifted my eyes up to give a look at the first ad running on it. I’d almost forgotten about the Terminator saga this evening and for a few moment I got quite excited at the idea of spending the night watching it with her. But her gaze quite froze me when she saw how childish I was suddenly being. 

“You like Terminator?” she asked. 

“Oh, errr…That’s…Like, my favorite movies saga…?” I answered, unsure of what I should say. 

“Men, you’re all the same…” 

She sighed deeply, adding a “Reiner loves Terminator so much that I can’t stand it anymore” that quite explained her looks. 

Good-bye, cool night with Schwarzy and his _‘I’ll be back’_ thing. Maybe she would have another great proposition to spend the evening? I doubted about it as I remembered that we both would work the day after. 

So, I shrugged it off and slide an arm around her narrow shoulders, pulling her close to me. 

Time was passing by incredibly slow. 

Jean wasn’t answering, and came another moment I was trying to text him, like a kid insisting on his best friend for playing the same game together until I get an answer. 

**[6:32 PM] To : Jean  
Pouting???**

It was quite a hope of mine, but I also knew that if he was really pouting, he wouldn’t answer before a moment. But it usually was something like, what…An hour or two, not so much to worry about. Like a kid. The screen became black again in my hand, right when Krista was trying to lean on it with curiosity. 

“What is it?” she asked casually. 

“Mh, nothing.” 

She gently frowned and glanced up to meet my gaze. As she knew how to make me feel better, she also knew how to make me feel uncomfortable. My heart missed a beat for a second when she leaned a little further, her thin fingers grabbing my phone to put it on the low table –with a simple _poc_ on the wooden surface. The screen was still dark, empty, with no vibration, no light, no small and annoying ringtone. 

“I said : what is it?” she repeated, a little stronger. 

Even if she was the smaller girl I’d ever met, she managed to get her face at my level –on the sofa, it wasn’t so hard I guess but still, the up part of her body was shorter than mine from far. Her hand resting on my thigh to support her own weight, her face was now so close that I could feel her breath tickling my chin and lower lip. 

I gulped. I don’t know why, but I did. 

“You’re not texting Reiner,” she added. “You’re not even giving any attention to our date, today. Absent-minded all day long.” 

“I-I’m sorry Krista, I couldn’t help, but…” 

But what? 

I just couldn’t tell. I couldn’t tell because I didn’t know the rest of that sentence. It was just a feeling, _something_ , and I couldn’t figure it. 

“Even here, you’re sending messages to God-knows-who,” she continued. 

She couldn’t be closer –or she would already be kissing me if she was. I swallowed, unsure about what she was putting me into.I was just able to hear her words, to eat them carefully, and wait for the next sentences. 

“Even if I know who though…” 

_Oh_. 

She sighed a little, her hand on my thigh squeezing a little through my jeans. 

“Marco…”

“U-uh?”

“Do you remember what I told you when we started dating?” 

I didn’t nod right away. I didn’t know what part she was talking about : there were a lot of things that had been said, actually. 

“S-sure…?” I tried. _Marco, shut uuuuuup._

“About being in love.”

It cut me right away. That was a part I didn’t think a lot about. 

But I couldn’t forget about it. Part of the deal was that if I had to fall for someone –if not for Krista, we would put an end to this relationship. For Krista herself, it was another problem. She couldn’t _love_ , or even _like_ someone else at the moment. Her explanation had been quite confused to me, but I think I got it clearly. 

So of course, her words were quite weird. 

“Love?” I asked nonetheless. 

She tilted her head a little, staring at me curiously with her large blue eyes, fluttering her eyelashes once, twice, and a small smile finally appeared on her features. 

“You’re amazing,” she replied softly. 

It left me completely lost under her hand –the one on my thigh, and her deep gaze. There was something in those huge orbs when they were looking at me at that moment, and I couldn’t find what it was. 

“Why?” 

She shook her head a little. 

“Marco, I just have a question, you can refute it,” she carried on, not even changing the looks on her face or her position on _me_. Usually, it should have aroused me, at least a little, but as I already said, there was _something_ at the moment. 

“U-uh, wh-what?” 

Her nose was about to touch mine, brushing against it, and I was sure that her lips were like…not even a centimeter away from mine. _Come on Kristaaaaa!_

She wasn’t even heavy, I just could feel the small weight of her hand, her arm, her body leaning on me. 

She—

“Marco, tell me. Are you _gay_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently writing Jean's next POV (6th)...Yeah, I'm weak. Yeah, couldn't help but work on Jean's POV. Poor Marco... x) Actually maybe that's better to know Marco's part later than Jean's? Anyway you guys will have to deal with it... @_@


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean doesn't answer all day long and Marco can't deal with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Took me so long for this chapter! Actually I'm pretty busy and couldn't write at all during almost two months ;^;   
> Again it's hard to write in English at the moment as I'm not used anymore (didn't write for...two months I guess? ;0; ) but I'm doing my best and still hope you'll like the story ! Don't hesitate to leave me your feelings about this chapter, it starts explaining some things !
> 
> Also this chapter is pretty long compared with usual ! xD

How to breath, I would have asked you. I really would if I was even able to form words properly., but I didn’t have exactly the possibility to do such a thing, Krista’s last sentences splashing in my brain like some dog’s shit. Her big eyes were still staring at me, and I wasn’t sure how many seconds –or minutes, were gone since her last word and she hadn’t moved at all, waiting patiently for me. 

“G-gay?” 

Jeeeeeeeeez, oh god was it my _VOICE_? 

Instead of looking mad at me for sputtering at her thoughts as if I was answering a wonderful _YES I’M GAY_ which was NOT AT ALL what I wanted to say, Krista just smiled at me. I mean, she smiled even _more_ than before. Was it so funny? Was it even _possible_ to smile more than this? 

“Yeah, I’ve been wondering a lot about it!” she added. 

It was even worse, and I brought back to reality in a second, blinking so hard at her that I almost hurt my own eyes. 

“What?” 

She gently pressed her hand against my chest, pushing a little to get a few inches away from my body. I couldn’t understand any of this at all, of course but she looked like she knew something, something I wasn’t aware of.  
Krista leaned back onto the back of the couch, sighing softly –more with the pleasure of being comfortable right now, and gently glanced at me.  
  
“You don’t even notice it yourself, Marco, and it makes it even more…Cute?” she continued.  
  
“What?” I stupidly repeated.  
  
“Well, tell me, how many girlfriends have you got until now?”  
  
I blinked again. That question was weird –and a bit…Personal, I think. My relationships had always been a little particular. And I didn’t really talk a lot about it. And by really, I mean… _Telling the truth_ about my relationships.  
  
“Is it…Is it a good topic?” I heard myself mumble. “I mean, right now? Like…Like that?”  
  
She smiled, innocently of course we’re talking about Saint Krista, and I immediately melted on my place. Maybe it was a question with a real meaning, just something she was wondering about –OK I’m totally putting aside what she talked about a minute earlier but still.  
  
“Do you have something to hide?” she genuinely asked and I gulped loudly at this. “Reiner told me that you had a certain amount of girlfriends, hadn’t you?”  
  
Oh god. I had to admit that I didn’t feel at ease. Not at ease at all. Not anymore.  
  
“Y-yeah…” I breathed so low that I almost saw her pricking an ear up and raising an eyebrow with curiosity.  
  
“So,” she continued. “A certain amount? A lot? Are you a Don Juan or something?”  
  
She wasn’t even joking or making fun of me. She was neither reproaching me anything. She was just…Smiling again? I nipped at my lower lip, still not sure about the current situation. What was it all about, after all?  
  
“I-I already told you, I think?” I whined pitifully.  
  
She moved her hand, waving at me. “T-t-t-t. It doesn’t count.”  
  
“Krista!”  
  
The big blue eyes still hadn’t stopped staring at me and I have to admit : I was feeling uncomfortable. A lot.  
  
“How long, Marco?” she kept on asking.  
  
“Uh?”  
  
“How long did it last? With your other girlfriends, I mean.”  
  
“H-hey! Th-that’s none of your business!”  
  
Sweet voices were always something I couldn’t go against and Krista sure just got the sweetest I’d ever heard. That’s what I thought, somehow. I don’t know anymore. I’m not sure. _But she was scarily cute_.  
Suddenly feeling a little in danger, I lifted my knees up to my chest, circling my legs with my arms. Yes, just like that, like a big baby and I truly didn’t care about what she was going to think about me. Actually, the thing she was trying to talk about was just…The most embarrassing thing ever to me, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to know.  
  
“It might not be my business, you’re right, but…”  
  
She hesitated a second, which was enough to me for giving a quick glance in her direction. She was still looking at me. Oh god, her eyes, her smile. _Please Krista, stop smiling_ , because I wasn’t sure if I still liked it that much after all.  
  
“But I’m your friend,” she said. “I could help you if I knew what’s the matter.”  
  
Here we were and I sighed deeply, finally rubbing the half of my face with my palm. Stretching my arm while leaning a little on the table, I took my phone, unlocking the screen even I knew that there weren’t any message.  
I sighed again, letting the phone drop on the table again with a thud.  
  
“I—“  
  
How to say? Those things you can’t yourself deal with, are not easy to say, even if they’re not terrible to others.  
  
“I can’t count how many,” I finally let out.  
  
I could feel her small hand suddenly on my thigh. The atmosphere was a little particular. It wasn’t that “ _lovey dovey_ ” feeling we used to have during these two weeks. I guess it was suddenly all gone, replaced by the reality, her reality, my reality. Ours. All of a sudden, that place where we were lost in our own thoughts, lonely, was back. I was back to my place as ‘ _Marco Bodt_ ’.  
  
“This is how things are going to be, then?” I finally sighed. I couldn’t look at her. _Reality, Marco_.  
  
I heard Krista’s crystal laughter, something sweet and comforting.  
  
“You already know, Marco,” she said. “So, would you tell me?”  
  
With another sigh, I tightened my grip on my own calves, my chin resting on my knees. I felt the weight of her body leaning against my side, the top of her head on my shoulder.  
  
“Actually…”  
  
One minute ago, I couldn’t say anything about all of this and with Krista’s magic, or mostly because of the sudden change of our situation, I was feeling the need to say it all. This was Krista’s power, in a way. And if she could make Jean answer my SMS, I would call her Goddess. This said, my phone was still…Silent. She seemed to notice it, and pointed the small black plastic box on the table.  
  
“Don’t hold yourself, dear,” she gently said. “Take it and send your messages, ok? You look like you’re going to burn it with your eyes if you don’t stop staring at this thing.”  
  
I slowly nodded. I didn’t even noticed my own behavior, drowned in my train of thoughts, thinking so hard about what to say or not. I stretched an arm, again, and the mix of plastic and screen felt cold in my hand. _I might have spent more time than what I thought_ , I told myself while unlocking the screen with a movement of my thumb.  
  
No answer.  
  
It was as usual, the wallpaper barely masked behind a few application icons. Nothing new. I new that she was now looking at my motions, and probably scrutinizing my screen when I opened the SMS box, then the window with Jean’s name.  
“I knew it,” she breathed.  
  
“Uh?”  
  
“Nothing. Go on if you’re a man!”  
Her attempt for a joke made me smile. She was still nice, despite the situation. Actually, she was all the same as usual, and I started writing a new SMS with this thought in mind.  
**[6:58 PM] To : Jean  
hey**  
  
“Just ‘hey’ like that?” Krista asked, almost making me jump on my sit. “That’s not really romantic…”  
  
“Oh Jesus, Krista!” I rolled my eyes, biting at my lower lip as she was chuckling with amusement. “That’s not what you think! Jean is my _roommate_ , for God’s sake!”  
  
“Yeah, of course…” She rolled her eyes in the same way as me, probably for a bad imitation. “So, you were going to say something before!”  
  
Here we were again. I let the screen run dark after a few seconds of inactivity and for a few more seconds, I stared at our reflection on the black and smooth surface.  
  
“Y-yeah,” I mumbled, firming a little my grip on the phone.  
  
No answer. What was he actually doing right now? Jean used to answer quite quickly –unless he was working or something like this. Even playing video games never stopped him from writing messages.  
  
“Well, about those relationships, how to say…”  
  
Why is it always in such situations, that your words are all gone and you can’t find them? But thankfully, Krista was magic. I already said it, but well. Magical Krista.  
  
“They were fake? Did you lie about their existence?”  
  
I shook my head and let out a small laughter. “Na. They were real, thanks god. I’m not a liar.” I hesitated a little before adding a “Not on this part, at least…”  
  
“That’s the main problem, if I guess well? What happened?”  
  
I waved a little with my free hand and let it go back on my calf. It can be weird when you feel your knee moving under your chin and not the best feeling in your life.  
“Normal stuff I guess. Together for a few days and breaking down,” I sighed.  
There was a short silence after this. Then from the corner of my eye, I saw Krista frown a little, visibly trying to understand. “Eerrr…o-okay, so a few days, uh, that’s quite short…And the others?”  
I raised an eyebrow and couldn’t help but smirk.  
“Same for all of them. A few days and it was over.”  
She moved a little and I felt her arm slip around my bicep. “Ooook,” she muttered. “But then? What’s the problem? Where did you lie?”  
I was wriggling a little on place, uncomfortable again.  
“Weeeell…About…The time with them…”  
“What do you mean?”  
Finally, I let my knees down, stretching my legs and crossing my arms on my chest, making Krista move a little with me, but she didn’t let go off my arm as I was leaning on the back of the sofa.  
  
“You know, uh…Since I’ve only been a few days with those girl…It sounded like…A shame to say it to people, so…I’ve never said when we broke up…Just…Just acted like it didn’t happen and a few months later I could say it as if it had just arrived…You see…”  
  
She frowned a little again, and stepped away from my arm to look at me, raising her eyebrows.  
  
“A shame?”  
  
I knew a woman couldn’t understand. She continued. “So you mean…You acted as if you’d been with those girls for months?”  
  
“Y-yeah…”  
  
“But you were single during your lie?”  
  
“Y—oh fuck it, Krista! I know that was stupid !”  
  
No answer on my phone. It was still not vibrating at all, and with a sigh and under Krista’s soft laughter, I check my box again before I opened the chat, trying not to take care of Krista’s gaze.  
  
**[7:35 PM] To : Jean  
Jean?**  
  
What was wrong with him? I knew he was home for the whole day –like every day during his holidays actually.  
  
“But I don’t get the reason,” she finally said with a deep sigh. “Plus you must have been sad and all of it after breaking up! How could you hide it and still pretend being with your girlfriend?”  
  
I could feel my ears burn a little, and I knew I was being red. She was incredibly right. That was the worst part of the past years. Pretending. Hiding.  
  
“I—I just _couldn’t_ say it!”  
  
“Oh really?” She opened her eyes wide, staring at me for a few moments. “But why? Breaking up happens all the time to everybody!”  
  
“I don’t know, I—I’m not sure…”  
  
“That’s not a shame!”  
  
“But I couldn’t tell _him_!”  
  
I didn’t even think about it. I didn’t have the time to properly think about it, about the truth. Krista’s attitude darkened a little, and she put a quick pout on her face.  
  
“Who?” she asked, and her voice suddenly sounded firmer. Not harsh, but more like a mother who was teaching something to her son.  
  
I swallowed thickly. I didn’t even had the time to get what I had said myself. Who, she was asking? The answer was just so obvious and new at the same time that I had to think about it before speaking.  
  
“J-Jean maybe?” I answered in a weird and trembling voice.  
  
I didn’t know that I could sound that miserable, like I knew there was something bad. But, what? I just didn’t want my friend –my best friend, to know that my love life was that pitiful!  
  
“Why?” she went on.  
  
I could hear that noise, when swallowing resonated in my own ears and it made me think she, too, could hear it. Sometimes, in particular moments, you can feel normal things as if it was new. Swallowing had become an experience at the moment, especially with a dry throat.  
I gave another look at my phone. Still _dark_ , it was so dark that I couldn’t stand that color anymore.  
  
“Jean...” I started, then stopped, trying to gather my words together. Was it time to think about my own life, like that, like right now? I wasn’t sure if I was ready. But when I think about it, was there any bad thing, anything I had to be ashamed?  
  
Because there was nothing, and maybe all my fears were just the result of my own will?  
  
Hey, I’m stupid, thinking too much about _nothing_. I sighed, trying to relax. I was _normal_.  
  
“Jean and I were in the same room at board school…”  
  
“Yeah, you told me.”  
  
“Mh…” I let my shoulders relax a bit more . Talking about the old time wasn’t so bad. “We weren’t in the same room at first, actually it just happened after the first month of school.”  
  
“Did he ask for the change?”  
  
I shrugged. “Na, his roommate did. Jean didn’t even know about it, the superintend of the dormitories told him to take his stuff and go to my room.”  
  
“That’s not cool,” she winced a little. “Do you know what happened?”  
  
I shrugged again. “He never told me about it, I don’t even think he took it seriously, it was even more like he didn’t care at all.”  
  
She chuckled a little. “He sounded a little rude. What happened next?”  
  
I smiled a bit at that note. It wasn’t so wrong, after all. “Nothing particular. He came to the room, set his stuff in his drawers and locker, and everything was fine with him. Jean didn’t really care about what was going on around him…”  
  
“But you?”  
  
I let out a small laughter. “That’s another problem! I’ve always paid too much attention to what people could think about me, you know. But Jean was different from me.”  
  
I slide an arm behind my own head, against the back of the couch, thinking back about that time. I still could easily remember these days, and I unlocked the screen, again, to type another message to the guy while Krista was cuddling against me with her arm slipping around my waist, her face nuzzling in my chest. It was weird to think that we were not…Together.  
  
**[7:43 PM] To : Jean  
Everything ok?**  
  
“He sounds weird when I listen to you,” she said.  
  
It made me smile for a second and I locked the screen by myself. “Maybe. Jean didn’t care a lot about what was going on around him, or rather that’s how I read it…He had friends, a lot of friends actually, but once he was back to the room, it was as if there was nothing anymore but him…I don’t really know how to explain his behavior.”  
  
“Mmh—maybe it was just all an act?” she tried.  
  
“Dunno. He was popular –he’s good looking after all, intelligent even if he’s quite…Quizzical…” I huffed at some memories.  
  
He still wasn’t answering and I was here, talking and waiting impatiently for a vibration in my hand, trying to act as if everything was ok.  
  
Oh, please Jean, answer me.  
  
“You’re worrying,” Krista softly said.  
  
I sighed deeply, feeling my shoulders raise and fall. “Yeah…I have to admit…”  
  
“Call him?”  
  
I shook my head. “If he doesn’t answer a message, he won’t answer a call. That’s Jean.”  
  
“Not easy then. Do you think something happened?”  
  
Again, I opened the messages box, typing quickly.  
  
**[7:52 PM] To : Jean  
fuck**  
  
Maybe he would react with this if he was reading my messages…But somehow, I was feeling more and more anxious. Jean always answered –even at work actually, he always found a way to type a SMS no matter the reason, the place, the time. The only time he wasn’t to contact was years ago. Once. It had been enough to scare me so much that I couldn’t stop sending him messages at least once or twice a day, even for nothing. Just to make sure.  
  
“I don’t know,” I breathed. “That’s not in his habits…”  
  
“Why are you worrying? He must be having some good time or something?”  
  
“I hope you’re right…”  
  
“Hey, Marco…”  
  
Krista had straightened a little, looking at me with a concerned face. I raised an eyebrow at her, staring at my phone screen nevertheless.  
  
“What scares you so much? I can see it, there’s something.”  
  
“Jean disappeared.”  
  
The silence followed for a few moment. I didn’t even try to keep myself from saying it out loud. My arm left the back of my head, finally resting by my side while my other hand was still in the air with my phone.  
  
“He disappeared during that first year of boarding school. He…Left me alone. For days. I first thought that he was busy and couldn’t answer my messages –I needed him to stop by our room to take a book I’d forgotten…”  
I was typing, again, gulping at the memory. Krista was silent.  
  
**[7:58 PM] To : Jean  
Please answer**  
  
“He never answered,” I continued. “The whole day, I’ve waited for him and I had a weird feeling, like something was going wrong but I wasn’t sure if I was just being paranoid or anything…”  
  
“What was he doing?” She asked slowly.  
  
“He ran away. It took days before they found him –or rather he came back by himself…”  
  
“Oh dear,” she muttered. “But why?”  
  
“I don’t know…I mean, I _still_ don’t know the reason…” I sighed. “Everyone was just so worried, and it scared me so much, I just ended thinking that I might never see him again and— _Oh fuck Jean, answer me_!”  
  
**[8:06 PM] To : Jean  
Is it my fault?**  
“Calm down Marco, there must be a reason! Jean’s not a child anymore, ok?”  
  
“You don’t know him!”  
  
“I know enough, thanks to you for talking about him all the time!”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You don’t even notice your own behavior, that’s incredible! I feel like I know him even better than you!”  
  
I gasped, mouth open, then closed it like a fish. Krista’s gaze wasn’t bad, and she wasn’t even really blaming me. It was different. Again.  
  
“So?” I asked. “What do you mean?”  
  
“I mean, maybe he just need to, I don’t know uh, take some time for himself? After all, he’s in holidays and you don’t even know how he spends it!”  
  
“I told you—“  
  
“Oh god, it’s Jean-Jean-Jean-Jean and Jean again and again, Marco, for god’s sake, won’t you open your eyes?” she suddenly said with a strong voice, almost making me jump on my place. Okay. This was the first time I was hearing her talking like this. Maybe I’d been a little too far. Or not, it was important to me, not my fault if Krista couldn’t get this point of view.  
  
But…  
  
I stopped, frowned a little. “Do I really talk so much about him?”  
  
“Oh god…Everyday, Marco. Never noticed, really?”  
  
I sighed.  
  
“Actually you’re not the first one to tell me…The other girls before did…”  
  
I just never took it seriously, but Krista’s place was different than all those girls. She wasn’t _really_ my girlfriend, despite that all.  
  
“See?” She chuckled gently.  
  
“That’s terrible…” I mumbled.  
  
She stepped away from me as I was typing again on the screen.  
  
“Not really. I’m just surprised that you never got it by yourself.”  
  
**[8:12 PM] To : Jean  
Im sorry**  
  
“That’s normal to me…” I sighed again. “Jean is Jean. He’s my best friend, someone important to me, I just wish the best to him, but…He’s sometimes hard to understand.”  
  
“He’s human. How was he when you left?”  
  
I hesitated a little, trying to figure what Jean could have really think. “Uh, angry?”  
  
“Angry?”  
  
“Y-yeah, I didn’t take the time to tell him that I wouldn’t be home again, you know…and uh, it annoyed him, like a lot…”  
  
“Childish…Oh god, you two are acting like kids…”  
  
She jumped on her feet after this, leaving me alone on the couch with my phone still between my fingers.  
  
Rubbing the soft fabric of her dress, she was smiling gently, in a way that should have warmed me up. “I shouldn’t say it, Marco. But you can pretend being with me if it help you. Just tell me, ok?”  
  
“Krista…”  
  
Weirdest moment ever, again. But she shrugged as if everything was normal. But _NOTHING_ in the whole day had been normal excepted Jean’s face in the morning.  
  
Oh shit. Please leave my thoughts, Jean, thanks. _And answer my messages, damn it!_  
  
“I knew there was something unusual with you, the first time we met,” she continued. “That’s also another reason why I asked you not to be serious about me. Not to mention Ymir and all that, you know.”  
  
I nodded, with a glance at my phone, my anxiety becoming even more and more important. More important than what she was saying, yes.  
  
Fuck.  
  
**[8:16 PM] To : Jean  
please**  
  
“Well, I’m hungry!” she suddenly claimed.  
  
“Oh, hum, well…Me too…”  
  
I thrusted my phone in my trousers back pocket while standing up. I wasn’t hungry at all, and she knew it. But it would be good for a change to think about something else.  
That’s what I thought, at least. But it’s something hard to take things off your mind when you always think about it. The last time it happened was, uh, when Jean wasn’t in contact with anyone. I still remember it clearly. His empty bed, his cold sheets on it, his backpack missing in the room. The silence every nights. The only sound of my own breath. It didn’t trouble me before he came in this room to overrun my life against my will. I didn’t even notice how important his presence was, before that moment. Small talks. Bad jokes. His weird behavior, when he was suddenly being silent for no reason and the hour after finally talking even more than a girl. Again, for no reason. Jean was Jean. For everything he did, he was Jean, unreplaceable.  
The phone in my pocket didn’t last so long at that place, soon in my hand despite Krista’s soft protestations.  
  
**[8:34 PM] To : Jean  
…**  
  
I hadn’t much to say. I just wanted him to hear his phone, at least once. I didn’t know how many SMS I’d sent him until then.  
  
Krista didn’t kept me away from my phone during diner.  
  
**[8:47 PM] To : Jean  
jean**  
  
Answer me. I could have beg him.  
  
**[9:01 PM] To : Jean  
answer**  
  
“You should eat a little, Marco,” was all I can remember from Krista during diner. I didn’t pay attention to her. Something was happening to Jean. An accident?  
  
Did he run away, once more? I didn’t even know the reason for the first time, so it might happened again.  
  
**[9:17 PM] To : Jean  
Please jean**  
  
I’m stupid. I was being paranoid. An accident? Just because he wasn’t even answering to me? We were living together, maybe he just didn’t feel the need to talk to me _again_ , at least for today?  
  
“Take it.”  
  
I blinked with surprise, leaving my screen for a moment when the black jacket appeared in my view. Actually, it was mine, Krista holding it to me. “Uh?”  
  
“You’re going home,” she ordered. “I can’t let you stay like this, so just go home, ok? It’s still early, you have buses.”  
  
**[9:40 PM] To : Jean  
Im going home**  
  
You know, sometimes you listen to people. Ok, I would have been stupid not to follow her words, really. The bus took his time before arriving, and the travel was so long compared with usual, that I couldn’t help mumbling to myself all along.  
  
**[10:02 PM] To : Jean  
Hope ur ok**  
  
He still hadn’t answered. My phone had just never been so silent, or that’s what I thought.  
  
When I got out of the bus, I didn’t run. I really wanted, but at the same time, I was quite scared. The steps inside looked weird, the broken light barely showing them in the darkness of the staircase.  
  
The door was locked.  
  
**[10:44 PM] To : Jean  
Im home**  
  
But when I pushed the door after unlocking it, the darkness of the living room just surrounded me. The silence of the room was already unbearable, even more than the silence of my own cellphone. Was he sleeping already? It wasn’t his type, so I walked to his door, opening it a little to give an eye, but even in the darkness of his room, I could see his empty bed. He wasn’t in his own bedroom.  
  
Jean wasn’t even in our flat.  
  
**[10:45 PM] To : Jean  
Where the fck r u**  
  
Oh shit.  
  
Was he gone?  
  
But where?  
  
Why?  
  
Did I do something that made him run away or something?  
  
I sat on the sofa for a moment, trying to understand the whole day –I failed.  
  
**[10:56 PM] To : Jean  
Where r u**  
  
Was he angry?  
  
Was he, finally, going to leave me alone?  
  
**[11:03 PM] To : Jean  
sorry**  
  
Time was running, so slow and fast at the same time.  
  
My heart was beating so hard, whenever my screen was illuminated only because it was looking for some network and connecting.  
  
**[11:14 PM] To : Jean  
please**  
  
I knew that Jean was angry at me. I knew it. Before leaving, and even after. Was it my fault? How could I fix it if we couldn’t even talk?  
  
I just needed to see him, to see that he was ok. I just wanted to see his smile, his face wincing for any reason. I wanted to see his pouting face.  
  
At that moment, for sure, I would have done anything to have Jean with me.  
  
**[11:29 PM] To : Jean  
Forgive me please**


End file.
